Questions from Allos 1

Hello all! This week I’m answering some questions I polled from our social media accounts. I asked Aspecs to give me questions they were asked by allo people, and asked allo people to ask questions they wanted answered about Aspec people. I’m going to insert some questions I’ve also been asked. Since this type of questioning is never ending, I will most likely have future posts about this topic. Thank you to those who submitted questions! If you want to send me some questions to answer in the future, DM me or email me!

By answering these questions, my goal is to help those who might be worried to answer these questions after coming out or to have a good idea about how to answer them if asked on the spot. I will keep the people who submitted these questions anonymous!

“I’m sorry if this is dumb, but what is “allo?”

Not a dumb question at all! There’s a lot of terminology that someone who isn’t a part of the community wouldn’t know. The term “allo” is short for “allosexual” which applies to a person who experiences some form of sexual attraction. Its the opposite of “asexual.” Allo can also refer to alloromanticd which is someone who experiences some form of romantic attraction. The opposite of that would be “aromantic.”

Similarly, I have used the term “cishetallo” before, which is a combination of “cis,” “heterosexual/romantic,” and “allosexual/romantic.” I’ll use this term sometimes as a replacement to “straight” because there are identities in the LBGTQIA+ community that can technically be “straight” so I wanted to make sure I’m being specific with who I’m referring to. While some people use them interchangeably (I’m guilty of this, too) they mean different things. The distinction can be very important depending on what your talking about.

“Aroace here. I want to ask allos why do you have to psychoanalyze my want to not have biological kids?! (Recent talk with my mom and her friend brought this up.)”

This is a very great question, and one that unfortunately occurs for many aros and aces with cishetallo parents. I partially addressed this question on Tumblr, but would like to address it to the full capacity I’d like. I’m going to put the first part of my response below, then add on in another paragraph.

“Oh no I’m sorry they brought it up 😭😭 it’s so crazy how some people really don’t know how to mind their business about what other people do with their lives. The asexual part alone, having kids (especially in the US) has become so much more expensive and it’s a lot of work that will usually fall onto one individual more than the other. It blows my mind sometimes how people will glorify having kids, but never want to acknowledge how much work it really is. And “loving them so much” doesn’t make the job of a parent easier, and they never want to acknowledge that point of view. Not sure if you’re out to them or not, but if you aren’t that might be a good way to keep them from being suspicious about your sexual orientation. Or, if possible, hit em with the “it’s none of your business and I don’t owe you an explanation” type response, but if you’re like me, confrontational statements like that are very difficult.”

Now to talk about being asexual or aromantic in relation to this. While allos might not see the harm in asking a question like this, there is a lot of harm that can come out of it when asked to someone who is on the aroace spectrum. If not asked appropriately or respectfully, questioning if an aspec wants kids or asking them why they don’t want to have them (if they have previously said they don’t want them) can come off as questioning their sexual and romantic orientation. However you feel about having biological children, your decision and thought process are valid. If you are aspec and feel they responded to you in a disrespectful manner, it’s important to tell them that in any way you can. If they don’t want to hear it and try to argue, walking away might be your best option. Another approach, that’s more confrontational, could be asking why it matters to them or why they need to know. Sometimes they’ll try to pull the vague thing like “I’m just curious,” and if they’re genuine, then answer how you wish. But if they do the vague move but sound like they don’t actually care, they honestly don’t deserve an answer from you (in my humble opinion). Allo people, especially those who are cishet, may never understand the aspec experience and the only ones that matter are the ones who have your best interest in mind and genuinely want to understand more about you. In all honesty, you don’t owe them an explanation, but if you want to respond to them, keep the above in mind.

To the allos, keep these things in mind. Asking or talking about the subject of kids is going to depend on the aspec individual, so use your best judgment. And do NOT ask this question to an aspec that you don’t know. Another important thing is, if the person gives you an answer please, do not try to argue or invalidate their response by saying something like “that doesn’t make sense.” Sometimes, things aren’t for you to understand. Bottom line, it’s really no one’s business to judge or even know about. But caring about the individual is respecting their beliefs and letting them be an individual on their own terms. I would hope that the last thing someone would want to do is make the aspec person feel like that aren’t valid, but if you happen to respond in a way that is invalidating and the aspec person tells you this, apologize and don’t include any excuses either. Aspecs don’t owe you an explanation for why they may or may not want kids and you have no right to invalidate them for their response. Only ask if you’re going to be respectful and have their best interests in mind.

“Do you think you just need to find the right person?”

This question. Ugh. This is never an easy one, and yet it’s so commonly asked. I haven’t personally been asked this, but I’ll do my best to answer it.

In some instances, I would love to respond yes to this because finding the “right person” that is willing to accept me for my asexuality and still choose me to be in a relationship is possible. But, as we all know, that’s never what they mean by that question.

This question is harmful because it invalidating to aspecs. Assuming that “oh you will magically feel attraction” because someone named “The Right Person” will walk into the room is just so laughable. Sorry, allos, but that’s just a cheap movie plotline, not a real thing. Not to say that meeting someone can’t help them discover their sexuality or romantic orientation, but maybe consider that the person may have already tried being in a relationship and then realized their identity. This question being asked is directly questioning the aspec person’s identity. Allos need to understand that your sexuality/romantic identity isn’t something you choose, it’s something you’re born as and grow with. And if the person opens up to you and tells you that they are aspec, your first thing shouldn’t be questioning them and trying to convince them that their sexuality isn’t real or that it’s not who they are. No one does that to you, and even if they did you would know that it isn’t ok, so why would you do that to someone else?

Bottom line, when someone comes out to you, and you aren’t aphobic you need to be supportive of their identity. The individual is going to know themselves best and it isn’t anyone’s place to say what their sexual or romantic identity is. Be understanding!

“Do you reproduce by cellular division?”

Of course. The answer to this question will always be a yes.

Jokes aside, if someone asks you this with the intent to be harmful, I think flipping them off is a justifiable answer. Or if you have a creative and witty response, go for it because they shouldn’t dish it if they can’t handle it.

If anyone has been asked this by a troll and has some creative responses, send them to me because I’d love to share them with the community.

“Do asexual people actually date?”

Yes! Asexual people can date, can get married, and can have kids if they want them. Asexuals only lack the sexual attraction, which believe it or not isn’t required for a successful relationship. In fact, I personally know someone who is dating an asexual person, and one of my best friends is asexual and is dating another asexual person. It is absolutely a thing that happens.

There are lots of different types of relationships asexuals can be in. They can be with someone who’s a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, someone who is cishetallo, another asexual, or be in a QPR. If you want to learn more about QPRs, check out my Relationships post! Asexuals make great partners because they aren’t sexually motivated, so they genuinely want to get to know you. Being asexual does not mean you aren’t capable of being loved or giving love. Keep this in mind and support your asexual friends and partners!

I hope that this was informational and somewhat helpful! Again, if you have any questions you want answered for a future post, email me or DM me!

If you have any thoughts to add, agree or disagree, or have any questions to ask, please reach out to me through social media or email.

Thank you for reading and stay true to yourself!