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Hello all! This post is more personal rather than general this week. Selfishly, I need this post here so people can have a better understanding of me. In reality, I need to face how I am as a person, but I also saw this as an opportunity for everyone to see the person behind these posts more. I hope you can forgive me for being more personal rather than informative. I won’t be offended if you don’t want to read this post. I will have something else next week.
For many Ace and Aro people, platonic attraction is something that might be a stronger feeling than the “average.” This is the case for me, and explaining this might make this stronger feeling more clear to others who may not understand what I mean by that.
For allos, the feeling of sexual desire can be overwhelming when you care for someone. The same goes for romantic or sensual desire, the strong feeling compels them to want to be near that person, kiss them, cuddle them, etc. If you’re anything like me, you might feel that you have a strong desire to spend quality time with a person, so much so that when you aren’t with them you may feel an emptiness. For me, my mood completely sinks the further away from someone I have platonic attraction for. If I go several hours or days without being with them, I feel like my purpose in life is lost. I feel jealousy over others spending time with them without me. Having that presence of someone you truly trust and feel has your best intentions in mind is extremely important and comforting. It can be kind of difficult to live with because explaining this to someone would give them the impression that you are in love with the person and “don’t understand” it yet. For me, I’m secure enough in my sexuality to know that no, it isn’t sexual, romantic, sensual, or any other form of attraction. It is platonic attraction, which most people probably believe is just a passing emotion. But this feeling can feel a lot more in depth to someone who doesn’t feel “stronger” forms of attraction, such as sexual or romantic.
Being an asexual person who has spent a great amount of time feeling confused about themselves, it is natural for emotions and attraction to be misinterpreted and leave you wondering. This blog has helped clear some of those roadblocks for me because I’m learning more and more about myself while simultaneously researching and learning more about the community and its members. One day, I hope that it can get to the point where I can talk about these platonic attractions I feel for my friends and hope they understand that my dedication and loyalty for them is not anything else but platonic attraction. I also hope this isn’t uncomfortable for them because of the word “attraction” and what that might cause them to think. The key word is platonic, in that I feel the desire for friendship with them. Because I don’t have sexual or romantic feelings for people, the desire for friendship is much higher for me. And although I’m introverted and have a tendency to self-isolate, I still want to spend that quality time with the friends I care about so much. Things that might make me “uncomfortable” are things I grow more comfortable with if I have someone I know I can trust with me.
I’ve always wanted to have friends to go out with on the weekends, to do all of the things that friends would do in movies and on tv shows. The simple joys of life, the quality time, the photos, the memories. I have very little experience with that, and it’s either because I don’t trust people enough to spend time with them, or that I’m not included in it. I remember always being the one to initiate, to organize, to plan all of these things with people, which sometimes was very uncomfortable because I’m not a confrontational person. But I did it because I really wanted to. Many of those friendships have ended now, and although I do have groups or individuals I spend time with now, I do still feel sometimes that my presence is not seen as one that is necessary. Like, I’m invited for a body or for some other purpose other than spending time with me. I’ve made the most out of these situations and tried my best to be included somehow, but I almost feel like people think I don’t want to be there or don’t like that I’m there or something else along those lines. My lack of emotional output, I feel, makes me look bored or frustrated or uninterested. I genuinely hate that quality about myself. It’s something I am working through in therapy, but the problem is by the time I learn some coping skills or rewire my brain, I’ll be all alone with no one. The importance in my feelings are that a lot of this is self sabotage and misinterpretations and insecurities in myself caused by past friendships, and that it is by no means anyone else’s fault. The thoughts take such a toll on me sometimes, it is paralyzing.
Being asexual does not equal wanting to be alone. Being asexual does not mean wanting to never be in a relationship. Being asexual doesn’t mean I’m void of feelings. I fight hard for my friends, and fight even harder for those who show up for me. I’m terrible at standing up for myself, so I instantly feel safer when someone can recognize my insecurities and go to bat for me. This isn’t a requirement to be my friend, as I have many friends who I don’t have this type of relationship with, but it is nice to know I’m not invisible. And what I mean is that my natural boundaries or feelings aren’t invisible. I struggle a lot with identity, and not with sexuality or romance, I mean me as a person. I feel like my micro identities, like sexuality, are labeled on a person who’s across the way from me, like I’m a spectator. These identities or more like someone I know rather than myself. I’ve been conditioned to say that it’s me, but I haven’t felt like it was really me for many years now. But, sometimes, now and then things like my feelings about platonic attraction and how it affects me gives that “light at the end of the tunnel” feeling. It is nice and pleasant. However, I want people to know these things about me, and yet I really hate talking about myself because I feel guilty and awkward, like I’m hogging the spotlight. Again, working on that in therapy.
I hope that one day I’ll be able to look back at this and see progress and be happy with the person that I am. For now, I’m content with simply providing others with knowledge and potentially making them feel like they have a place to be seen and heard. Nothing makes me happier than knowing that someone feels heard when they haven’t been for so long. Because I know exactly how it feels when you feel misunderstood and hidden, and then someone comes into your life and can make all of those feelings go away. Hence why my platonic attraction can be so strong for people. Ultimately, it’s more than quality time, deep talks, small gifts, laughs, and all the other amazing things that can come with a friendship. It’s feeling like you aren’t invisible to the world and having someone who cares enough to give you basic needs, going above and beyond, and honestly just acknowledging you exist. And I wish that for all of you reading as well. And if you don’t feel you have a person like that, reach out to me. Maybe that can change.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to those of you who have read through this post and my other ones. It means more than words can even put together for me. I hope this wasn’t too triggering or traumatic, and if it was I sincerely apologize as that wasn’t my intention. Feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions, want to talk, or just send memes.
As always, thank you for reading and stay true to yourself!