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Hello all! This week I am so excited to have an interview feature with one of my best friends, who happens to be agender. I wanted to get the perspective of an agender person to post here because not only do I not want to speak on their behalf, but I wanted to include other queer voices and give a platform for agender voices. I will post the question and answer, and occasionally sprinkle in some commentary if I have it.
Interview Questions and Responses:
Get to know the interviewee! Their name is Rene and goes by any/all pronouns!
When did you know you were agender? Describe the process of your discovery.
I realized it fully about 1-1.5 years ago. I heard a quote, "Once I did some reflection, I just *knew* my gender." While I now feel this quote can be somewhat reductive, it was helpful for me. To know that people may just *know* their gender made me realize I don't *know* my gender. I did more introspection- I realized all I *know* is that no current description of gender fits me. Non-binary implies that a person has a gender, but the binary description of it isn't quite right. Some people include agender as non-binary, but I do not. I feel as though agender, obviously meaning "no gender," does not fit under the umbrella term of non-binary, which (in my eyes) implies that someone does have a gender.
Understanding that I don't *feel* or *know myself to be* any gender (even a non-specified one) made me remember the term 'agender' and I did more research into it. I found some interesting blog posts, on Tumblr, that really resonated with me. Reading other peoples' experiences with agenderism helped me be fully sure that I am agender.
I never got into Tumblr, but it’s good to know that there’s a good community of lgbtqia+ people using the platform and providing resources! Maybe a potential platform for the blog to join?
Describe what pronouns mean to you as an agender person.
For me, the handy thing about being agender is I don't have to ask people to use any set of pronouns. They can just use whichever they want. I don't resonate with any of them in particular, though I'd say they/them theoretically fits the best. But, it doesn't bother me when people exclusively use she/her (the most common applied to me). I do have a soft spot in my heart for he/him pronouns, I get a warm feeling when people mistake me for a cis man, mainly because it means I'm androgynous enough that day that they go off "masculine" traits- my short hair, my thicker eyebrows, perhaps my cheekbones and jawline being somewhat defined, etc. However, this does not make me a trans man. I don't crave he/him pronouns, I simply enjoy them more than she/her. I see this as part of my agenderism. Most of the time, I don't want to be identifiable as any particular gender. I *almost* want people to assume what gender I am, though this only applies to non-queer people. A cis-het person incorrectly identifying the gender I was assigned at birth lets me know that at times, I am "performing" my agender-ness well.
You heard it here folks, sprinkle in each type of pronoun for those who use multiple! It can make them feel more included and seen!
What are your thoughts on agender representation (or lack thereof)? Do you have any agender rep you’d like to shoutout?
I haven't come across any agender representation I can point to- I see those that are part of the agender community on Reddit at times (in queer/feminist spaces), and relatively frequently on Tumblr, but I don't want to shout-out any of those users, as I don't have their consent to do so. Luckily, I am in online spaces *with* representation, but I feel strongly for people who don't know where to look for the agender community. There *is* a lack of representation- non-binary are starting to see (minimal) representation in shows and movies, but I'd wager that the majority of the world have never even *heard* of agenderism. I hope this can change in the future.
What’s up with the lack of agender rep? We NEED more agender rep! Send me an email or DM on Instagram or Twitter if you’re agender and I’ll give you a shoutout!
Describe your experience as an agender person in the queer community.
Thankfully, the queer space has changed quite a bit when it comes to asexual, aromantic, aplatonic, and agender people from when I first entered queer spaces. I still feel the sting of the queer community discriminating against those communities by saying those communities *don't* face discrimination in the first place. There are still people within the queer community who can't wrap their heads around the idea that, just because they feel themselves to be a/some genders, others may not have one at all.
Yes to the sting! It’s so unfortunate when people don’t know or understand the struggle of being an aspec person, especially an agender person. That invalidating feeling can be one of the worst things for a queer person to experience, and it coming from other people of the queer community is the worst because they are supposed to understand you the most. I will discuss this more in a future post about Aphobia.
Describe your experience as an agender person in cisgender society.
It's frustrating, to be honest. Knowing that most people could never accept that some people have no gender, and not having adequate words to describe lacking a gender is hurtful. Knowing that I should keep it hidden for my own safety, and to maintain relationships with coworkers and some family members, is even more hurtful.
A note from Rene: “While phones now recognize ‘non-binary’ as a word, agender is not recognized and autocorrect will try to change it. This is literally so insane. I tried it on my phone, and it definitely doesn’t recognize it. My phone tries to change it to “Age feral.” How insane is that?
Absolutely understand why this is frustrating. Lgbtqia+ people should be able to be who they are unapologetically, and it’s unfortunate that in this country it’s impossible to do. The fear that has been instilled in those that are different has such a widespread and deep affect that many queer people still have to live in fear, especially queer people of color. This isn’t the way it should be.
Have you come out to anyone? This can be friends, family, employer/ee, therapist, etc.
There are few people I have come out to. My friends are the only people, aside from my therapist. When it comes to why, these are the only people I feel fully safe telling. Being agender, it actually doesn’t matter much to me if people know. Unless asked specifically for my gender, I let people assume. For me, it doesn’t matter what people assume, because, *for me*, whatever pronouns people want to assume is okay, seeing as how I use any/all pronouns. I occasionally jokingly say, “You can’t misgender me if I don’t have a gender!” And I mean that. This may not be true for all agender people, but for me it holds true.
It is definitely a hard thing to come out to people, and it sucks that we as queer people have to fear for our safety in regards to that. I’m glad to hear this perspective on pronouns and agenderism because I wasn’t for sure on what was best, but very good to know in relation to you personally!
Is there anything not asked about or something else you’d like to share?
The last thing I'll say is that every agender person, like any person of any gender, may experience their lack of gender differently than others. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to be agender. You are agender but enjoy dressing feminine, androgynous, or masculine at all times? Or a combo of those things? That's wonderful! You're still agender! The fact is, there is no "style" that would scream, "I'm agender," as there are for other genders (given that clothes are still seen as gender identifiers by most of society).
Thank you for this opportunity to share my experience!
Thank you for sharing your perspective! This was very educational and I’m so excited for the readers to gain this knowledge on your experience!
If you have any thoughts to add or have any questions to ask, please reach out to me through social media or email.
Thank you for reading and stay true to yourself!