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Hello all! This week's topic is genitalia/sex scenes. I combined these topics together, however if you’d like to see a separate post for these, please let me know! Another disclaimer is that my discussion is based primarily on my experience, but feel free to contact me if there’s a perspective you would like to add!
When people think of aspecs, specifically asexuals at times, most commonly those who don’t quite understand it believe that aces think body parts are gross or repulsive, hate nudity in media and life, or maybe even act “prudish.” But this is not always necessarily the case.
As a sex-neutral/sex-replused asexual myself, I can definitely say seeing body parts isn’t necessarily my favorite, but I feel more upset about it in terms of media, like TV shows or movies. I, personally, believe that a lot of times producers or directors will add sex scenes or oral sex in the movie to show a “relationship” or “relate to the audience.” But, obviously, I don’t really understand it at all. I can’t relate to that content, and I also believe that there is a lot more to relationships. Also, does it really add anything to the show or movie? Because you can show that there is a strong relationship between characters without bringing sex into it at all. One thing I never understood is when they add the kiss scenes in things like Marvel or DC movies. Like, they’re super heroes? The plot to those movies is saving the world and stopping the bad guy, but then you throw a random kiss scene in where it quite frankly isn’t necessary and it just feels off to me. I get the whole “oh but they’re human,” “they’re normal,” but you can show them being normal without kissing or sex scenes. Also “normal” implies that everyone does physical affection on a daily basis, and that just isn’t true. Media is so sex-oriented, and especially allo-sex-oriented that at this point it’s just a big eye roll. Are you really just going to slap it into everything? I genuinely believe that it’s just male producers putting their sexual frustration/desire/drive into everything they’re involved in because “it’s what people want to see.” Is it, David, or do you just need to get laid? And if that’s the case, do it outside of work and leave it out of media where it isn’t necessary. I would much rather see the characters having deep conversations, spending quality time, even just them simply looking at each other and seeing the deep connection without any kissing or anything. That, to me, shows that not only do the characters have self control, but understand and love each other enough to where physical display like kissing isn’t necessary. That, to me, is much more inclusive, relatable, and leaves a prime example of what a relationship can look like.
More explicitly, genitalia can be seen in porn or in real life. A lot of people ask me, “do you watch porn?” The answer is yes, sometimes I do. I typically do when my libido is higher. Most people are shocked by this because they say “but you don’t like sex.” But that is sometimes not the case in asexuals. A lot of asexuals will have sex with their partners as a form of compromise, or simply because their libido physically will be interested in sex. The differentiation is attraction and libido, which many people think are the same. (See my discussion on attraction v.s. libido) But viewing things like porn are different, for me, because I am not seeing it in real life. I still feel somewhat of a repulsion from viewing porn, but nothing will compare to the repulsion I get from thinking about seeing a penis in real life. My discussion on this will be a little one-sided simply because I can’t provide a good perspective for male or transmasc asexuals and I don’t want to speak for them. But the thought of seeing a penis scares me. Like, I am genuinely not interested and I really think I will hate it. Now, it “may” be different if I care about the person in the sense that I will look at it and not necessarily hate it, but feel more neutral. But I don’t think I’ll ever be like “oh my god, whip that dick out I gotta lay my eyes on it.” You won’t see my mouth drooling over looking at a penis ever, I promise.
The biggest thing to remember is that my experience isn’t what it’s like for all asexuals. Some will compromise and some are still sexually active with their partners and probably participate in oral sex, just without that desire or attraction to. For those who may be confused by that, I will give you a very relatable example. Think about your job. For most of you, you would most likely rather be at home than be at work. You can feel neutral about going to work because maybe it’s an ok work environment and you get along with coworkers, but it’s boring or really busy. Or you may hate your job, hate the people you work with, and your life is a living hell because of your job. You may also enjoy your job, but would still rather be at home than be there. Whatever the scenario is, you go to work anyways, to get money to pay for bills and food and other things. In this scenario, sex is the job. For asexuals, a lot of times they don’t want to do it or feel somewhat neutral about participating. Some asexuals may participate simply to see their partners enjoyment or pleasure and not necessarily do it for themselves. The key is, that desire for the asexual individual is rarely there or not there at all. As for the varying scenarios, the terms that can be associated with those are sex-favorable, sex-neutral, and sex-repulsed. Those terms exist on a spectrum and asexuals can fluctuate on the scale of these terms. Me, personally, I fall between sex-neutral and sex-repulsed, usually leaning towards repulsed. To learn more about those terms individually, see my discussion on Asexual Alignment.
Considering this same scenario, imagine now the romantic side of movies and shows. The way that rom-coms or soaps hype up kissing, dating, the dramatic moments where the hands graze against each other. These are supposed to be hyped up moments where the relationship in the show is building up, I guess. But, for an aromantic person, this may feel forced and just plain awkward to watch. Nothing is more uncomfortable than watching the movie kiss on the screen, especially if your parents are in the room. Being on the aromantic spectrum, the awkwardness for me comes less from watching it around people simply from it being a kiss in front of people, and more the assumption that it might be something I’ve thought about doing, according to the people in the other room. Assuming romantic alignment is never ok, and unfortunately it’s something that happens way too often. Using the job scenario again, the job can be associated with romance. There are also different aromantic alignments, as I call it, that you can have as an aromantic. These are romance-favorable, romance-averse, romance-repulsed, and romance-neutral. I also have a discussion on this, titled Aromantic Alignment.
To conclude this section, genitalia and aspecs can have an awkward relationship. For the most part, the act of sex or romance in relation to it is what brings about the complicated relationship, but the genitalia itself doesn’t always cause discomfort as it’s just a body part. But sex scenes in movies to add “relatability” or show a relationship, unnecessary. Now I’m not a spokesperson for all asexuals and their perspectives, this is just simply the way I view it based on my asexual experience. I also can’t speak for all aros, only from my demiromantic experience. If you have any thoughts to add, agree or disagree, or have any questions to ask, please reach out to me through social media or email.
Thank you for reading and stay true to yourself!