Being in a Relationship with an Aspec

Hello all! Today I wanted to talk about what it’s like to be in a relationship with an aspec person. I wanted to have this conversation because I have received a comment that mentioned marriage, where they said they have only heard about asexuality recently but have been married for a long time. I was happy to give the information I did in my previous discussion on relationships, but thought that this might be more helpful in relation to that. I hope this provides some insight for those already in relationships with aspecs!

You or someone you know may be asking themselves, what’s it like to be in a relationship with an aspec? I’ve previously discussed that sometimes allos believe that aspecs may not want relationships, however this left the question open as to what happens in relationships with aspec partners. I, personally, don’t have experience being in a relationship as an out aspec, however I will provide insight as to what I would want in a relationship that can hopefully provide some helpful advice. If there’s anything I miss or some perspectives or advice you would like to provide, please reach out to me via email or social media and I would be happy to include it here!

I am on both the aromantic and asexual spectrum, so relationships involving these can be quite tricky. Ideally, being in a QPR/QPP (Queer Platonic Relationship/Queer Platonic Partnership) (For a definition, please check out the glossary page!) would be the best option for me, but I’m also not opposed to being with someone who is allo and understanding. QPRs can be whatever is discussed between the zucchini’s (a person in a QPR) and more comfortable for the people involved as queer people understand the queer experience and are typically more understanding of needs and wants in a queer relationship. For the discussion on allo and aspec relationships, I’m going to break the discussion into parts as far as aromantic support and asexual support for organization purposes.

Romance, for allos, is one of the first ways that they show they like someone. Whether it be holding hands, flirting, kisses on the cheek or lips, etc. But what happens when the person they are interested in explicitly says they don’t feel romantic attraction? I’m sure it leaves them confused, however as long as they are understanding and can talk about possible options for how things can work then it shouldn’t be an issue. Many aspec people in general will act on things that they don’t feel the attraction for simply to give their partner something they want. In cases of romance-favorable or romance-neutral aromantics, this compromise is usually they route (I’m assuming here) they will follow. But, for those who are romance-repulsed or romance-averse, they will most likely not want to provide romantic gestures, receive romantic gestures, or both. Romance-averse aromantics will typically avoid a relationship if they know their partner has the romantic need, however I don’t want to speak for them and don’t believe it is an all-the-time thing. Romance-repulsed aromantics are similar to romance-averse aromantics except for they won’t necessarily avoid a relationship due to the thought of romance being a need for the partner. It is still possible for a romance-repulsed aromantic to give and/or receive romantic gestures, but it is whatever is discussed with the partner.

Sexual activity is another way allos show care and love to their partners. They can connect with their partner at an intimate level and see a level of vulnerability that you wouldn’t be able to see on the exterior. So what happens when you find out your partner is ace? First, don’t question or shame them, nor put any assumptions on the outcome of the relationship. It’s important to communicate that you may not understand, but reassure them that you will listen and do your best to provide them the same level of respect that you would have if you had not known about their sexuality. It’s important to know that an asexual person may still participate in sexual activity depending on their asexual alignment (sex-favorable, sex-neutral, sex-repulsed, sex-averse). To reiterate what was said about romantic relationships with aromantics, whatever you discuss with your partner about both of your needs and compromising will determine what comes from your relationship with them.

The key importance in being in a relationship with an aspec person, as it is with any relationship, is communication. Communicate that you want things to work, you want a relationship with them, and you will respect their boundaries and their needs at the same level of your own. Aspecs are already nervous to tell you about their sexuality because they are afraid of being left behind for simply not desiring the “norm” of heterosexual or homosexual society. Being empathetic and as understanding as you can when it comes to aspec people coming out to you is important in making them feel human and validating their feelings. Compromise is also extremely important in being in a relationship with an aspec person. Aspec people understand that their preferences may be new to an allosexual partner, and because of that they are more willing to compromise to satisfy the needs of the allo partner. With that being said, it’s only natural and fair that the allosexual also compromise with the aspec partner and work with them on their needs. Aspecs deserve to have their boundaries and needs heard, seen, and acted on just as much as allos.

That being said, it is ok to acknowledge, after talking and trying to compromise, that you may not want to stay in the relationship with the concerns that needs won’t be met. But, it’s extremely important to be thorough in your explanation and not put the fault on the aspec person, because sexuality and romanticism is not a choice for a person. If not done properly, you can end up being aphobic and cause some serious trauma, gaslighting, and emotional damage to the aspec person. Remember that everyone is human and has feelings. If it’s helpful, imagine if it was happening to someone related to you, or a close friend, and think about how it would make them feel or what you would want someone to say to them. Be gentle and considerate!

I want to acknowledge that everything said is based on my perspective of what I would want in a relationship as I have not been in a relationship as an outed ace. I don’t claim to be a know-all for this subject and recommend that you talk to an aspec in a relationship for their perspective on relationships and what’s worked for them/their preferences to get accurate advice. If you have any thoughts to add, agree or disagree, or have any questions to ask, please reach out to me through social media or email.

Thank you for reading and stay true to yourself!