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Hello all! This week I discuss attraction v.s. Libido. A disclaimer is I primarily reference asexuality during this discussion due to my direct experience as an asexual, but it is important to note that this comparison applies to all aspec identities.
One of the biggest confusions when it comes to asexuality is the idea of attraction v.s. Libido. The way our society is set up and what we’ve been taught has kept these two words together and has made them interchangeable. However, they are completely different and are the distinction between what asexuals feel compared to allosexuals.
Attraction is defined as “the action or power of evoking interest, pleasure, or liking for someone or something.” Attraction, from my experience, is sourced from desire and some people simply lack the desire or experience desire very sparsely. Libido, on the other hand, is the physical aspect of sexual drive. Every person has a libido, and it varies for each person as to what scale they experience their libido. Some people are hypersexual, where they have a high sex-drive and physically desire sex more often. Others might have a medical condition that makes their libido stunted in some way. And others may simply have a lower libido than the average person.
Now, not all asexuals have low libido. There can be asexuals that are more hypersexual and have high libido, they simply don’t have the attraction or desire to be physically involved with someone. I feel that attraction or desire is the mental aspect that goes into the approach of a relationship. Mentally, you can not feel anything or feel no connection, but physically you do.
Another note I’d like to make is that I want to distinguish want v.s. desire. A common discussion amongst aspecs is that although attraction is lacking to an extent, that many will still participate in activities that they don’t feel the attraction for, that being romantic or sexual. However, I label this as more of a want rather than desire. I define want in this case less as “a need that’s less important” and more as “I want to do this rather than absolutely need it” or labeling it more as a choice. Desire, I feel, has a more sexual undertone to it. I feel desire is a strong want or a strong need for something. Desire, in my opinion, is less of a choice and adds an urgency. Attraction is stronger than simply liking something, and that’s why I associate desire and attraction and sometimes use them interchangeably.
For me, personally, I have a mental disconnect when it comes to physical activity. I always imagine, for example, when you kiss someone you really care about you have this tingle that goes through your body or a “spark” that you would feel because you desired it so much and you feel connected with that person. But, in my personal experience, kissing someone is liking kissing a wall. I get nothing from it at all, no spark or anything. In fact, I can’t help but think the whole time “uhh, am I supposed to be feeling something right now?” I’ve even made out with someone, and that was my thought process the whole time. And, unfortunately for me, at the time of this interaction, I had not discovered my sexuality and thought that this feeling was normal. After talking with my straight friend who was in relationships before, I learned that it is very much not what it’s supposed to be like. If you are with someone and feel no “spark” when being intimate, you may want to research and see if any identity on the asexual spectrum fits with you. It’s not the only deciding factor, but it was a major factor that had me questioning. If you are looking for more info on questioning and identifying, see my discussion on identity and questioning.
To conclude this discussion, understanding what asexuality or other aspecs comes from first understanding the distinction between libido and attraction. The main motivator or desire is attraction, where libido is your body's natural process or the physical reaction to sex. You can have sex because you physically feel it (libido) but don’t really feel the need or desire to (attraction) and for whatever reason that may be. Asexuals may have sex and sometimes want to, not because they necessarily want to but to share it with a partner or to satisfy a partner. If you have any thoughts to add, agree or disagree, or have any questions to ask, please reach out to me through social media or email.
Thank you for reading and stay true to yourself!