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Hello all! This week's topic is relationships! This is a broad topic, so this may not be the only post written about relationships. I combined my personal experience with the misconceptions placed on aspecs in terms of relationships.
Relationships are a big question when it comes to asexual and fellow aspecs. The biggest misconception is that aspecs, especially asexuals and aromantics, don’t want relationships. That can’t be further from the truth. Sure, there are individuals in the ace community that really do not want a relationship. But this assumption should absolutely not be placed on all asexuals and aspecs. Many of them do want companionship or to be in a relationship. The problem lies in people not being able to separate sex and relationship. Not every relationship requires sex or romance, and may not prioritize it, and this depends on the people involved and should be left to the discretion of the people involved. No one should ask an aspec about their relationship, romantic life, and sex life without knowing the person and knowing they will feel comfortable answering those questions. This sex-focused world we live in really can’t wrap its head around the fact that relationships can and do exist without sex. In turn, this world also can’t imagine living without romance. This is caused by a variety of reasons, like what is modeled for us as kids, what is pushed in media, what society for years has narrated to us, and expectations that can be put onto you by whoever.
Finding a partner as an aspec may be difficult unless you are able to find another aspec to be in a relationship with simply because allosexuals require or desire the sexual need in their relationship. If you are an asexual who is sex-favorable or even sex-neutral, being with an allosexual might not necessarily be a problem for you because you can fill that role. But for those, like me, who lean more sex-repulsed or sex-averse it may be difficult. Most allos really think that the sexual connection is a top priority for being happy in their lives or really “getting to know the person.” However, you can learn much more about a person without having sex at all. Stereotypically, men are the ones who “need” sex to find out if they want to be with the person they are seeing, which to me is disgusting and objectifying. However, this is not all men as there are men that are aspec and don’t have this need. Personally, I was involved with someone who did absolutely anything just to have sex with me, and when it wasn’t given the relationship diminished. As an ace, this made me, and other aces and aspecs would probably feel the same, feel like something was wrong with me and that relationships truly can’t be without sex right at the beginning. But, after further reflection, you absolutely can and the rejection of an allo who is not understanding in any capacity should not stop you from trying to be in a relationship. Luckily for us, there are things like queer platonic relationships or meeting with other sex-repulsed, sex-averse, or sex-neutrals.
In parallel, it can be difficult for aros to find relationships due to allos need for a romantic relationship as well. Many allos prioritize the romantic part of the relationship as the way the “bond” is made, while overlooking the emotional connection and platonic attraction, and other forms of attraction, that aros need in a relationship. As a demiromantic, the emotional connection is required for me to even want romantic actions given to me, let alone to be able to reciprocate them. This makes allos confused and frustrated, but imagine how frustrating it is for us when we sometimes want to be able to give you that, but they won’t focus on an arguably more important part of the relationship; the emotional connection. The emotional connection allows you to know how the person will emotionally react to things, what emotion they’re feeling even when they want to hide it, how the emotions of that person affect their mental health and the outward treatment of others, etc. It should be a no-brainer that this is extremely important, but for some reason allos want this connection after they’ve developed a physical connection in some way. Bottom line, I think that anyone who is understanding of other people should be willing and is able to be understanding of the concept that some don’t necessarily need romance or romance will come after other connections are made first.
A queerplatonic relationship (QPR) or queerplatonic partnership (QPP) is a relationship that is non-sexual and/or non-romantic in nature. These relationships aren’t exclusive to aspecs, but are a great option to an individual who may be on the aromantic spectrum or on the sex-repulsed or sex-averse spectrum.
For more information on QPR’s, check out this link: https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Queerplatonic_relationship
If you are an aspec, specifically asexual or aromantic or aroace, it is also completely valid to not want to be in a relationship. Some of us get the attention or human connection we need from our close friendships. It is valid to not desire a relationship and we absolutely do not need one in order to survive. You should not feel it is wrong to not want a relationship because it is not a requirement for being a human being. You deserve to participate in what you want or need, and if a relationship is not a want or need, then it simply isn’t for you.
I am not necessarily looking for a relationship, but I know that if I were to be in one, sex would not be my main motivator nor would it be what makes or breaks my relationship. Based on my interactions with straight people, sex is a main motivator for them. For example, I’ve heard of many girls that sacrifice their well-being or ignore clear red flags from their partners simply because “the sex is really good.” I never understand this because a relationship is supposed to be commitment to making each other feel safe and comfortable and understanding. I do get that sex is where people are vulnerable with each other and make the personal connection physically, but in cases where you are not sex motivated, this vulnerability can be found in other ways. I find vulnerability to come out when you can talk about your traumas and feelings, even setting boundaries can be a sign of it. I feel like these things are a lot more important because it tells you how your partner communicates, what can trigger them, things that bother them, and what boundaries you need to keep an eye out for. Sex is something that will, quite honestly, be temporary. When you reach a certain age, you physically won’t be able to do it anymore. If you spend years with someone simply for the sex, or that was a key motivator, you can end up leading an unfulfilled life near the end of your life, arguably one of the most vulnerable times of your life. You want to have your communication and understanding solidified at that point, but I don’t think that comes to mind when you’re young because of the hormones and sex drive being higher (for some people). Of course, not everyone values or emphasizes sex so much that they dismiss these things, but I present it in this way to give another perspective on what relationships are and what you can think about when you go into it.
To conclude this discussion, relationships are not completely out of the question for an aspec person. Asexuals simply lack sexual attraction, not the need for companionship. Aromantics simply lack romantic attraction, not the need for companionship. The other aspec identities have more circumstantial reasoning for wanting or not wanting relationships, but are still also entitled to and should not be assumed that they don’t want a relationship. Queerplatonic relationships are an option for aspecs, but they may also get together with allosexuals and compromise or have sex for their own reasons. Never place assumptions on aspecs and do not ask them about their romantic alignment and sex lives unless you know them personally and know they are comfortable answering those questions. If you have any thoughts to add, agree or disagree, or have any questions to ask, please reach out to me through social media or email.
Thank you for reading and stay true to yourself!