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Hello all! This week I am discussing Aphobia in the LGBTQIA+ community. Like last time, I will warn that I get very heated from this topic, but will do my best to be professional. I will also give a trigger warning for you all as I will mention some personal experiences.
As if the cishet community not understanding Aspec identities wasn’t bad enough, the unfortunate reality is that Aspecs also receive a great deal of aphobia from the LGBTQIA+ community as well. From it “not being real” or being a “straight person in disguise to fit in,” we sometimes don’t have a very cheerful welcome from other members of the community. It makes it hard to advocate or be open about who you are in a community that’s supposed to be accepting, especially when they use the things that straight people say about the community against you. You’d think that as someone who receives discrimination that they’d pick up on the damage those words cause when used against other people, but some people choose to be ignorant and selfish in their thinking. The important thing to remember is to not let the insecurity of someone affect your life and identity. This is easier said than done, but a good way to get it off your mind is to go to your favorite communities that will validate you and give you support. It really does help!
A note I am going to make is that I am aware that not all members of the LGBTQIA+ community discriminate against aspec people. We are a part of the community and there are lots of amazing supporters of the aspec community. When I state the LGBTQIA+ community during my discussion, I am referring to those who are discriminatory and not those that are respectful.
When I was listening to the Sounds Fake But OK podcast, Sarah and Kayla talked about how some people in the LGBTQIA+ community seem to focus on the amount of discrimination an identity receives and uses that as a scale for what makes them valid. Something said on the podcast about aces was “aces don’t go through the same depression/ experience of other LGBTQIA+.” While this statement is true for other reasons that weren’t intended, trying to tear someone down for their experience is downright wrong. Sexuality, romantic alignment, etc. put aside, you should never judge a person’s experience as life isn’t a competition. Obviously, everyone’s experience is going to be different. No amount of judgment can change what’s been done in your past nor theirs, and there’s no reason to spat hate without bad intentions knowing that fact. Keeping this in mind, the experiences of one type of sexuality should also not be judged as it’s not a competition for who has the “worst experience” based on that. Being LGBTQIA+ altogether is more difficult than someone who is cis, hetero, and allo. The LGBTQIA+ community should be uniting for being different from straight people and giving each other the validation that a majority of straights don’t want to give us. It’s sad to think that there are queer people who want to tear down other queer people for whatever reason that might be *cough* insecurity *cough*.
As for the asexual depression and experience, it is unique from other sexualities, and that’s ok. For me, and I’m sure for a lot of other asexuals, depression regarding sexuality can feel quite severe. One reason is the fact that asexuality is so hard for people to understand. You have to constantly answer questions, and coming out is essentially a mini class. Even after all of that, the person may still not understand it. And when people don’t understand something, they’ll constantly find ways to “call you out” and act as though the experience isn’t real. This difficulty in understanding makes it harder to want to come out, especially to family. Not only to asexual people get the “it’s just a phase” like almost every other sexuality, but we get the “you’re just making it up,” “you’re a straight person in disguise,” “you’re just being a prude,” “you’re just immature,” among many other comments. You become a target for being different no matter what.
The aromantic experience has many overlaps with asexuality, but it also has its unique struggles. Like asexuals, aromantics have to explain and give a TED talk on what aromanticism is. I personally noticed that aromanticism is often more confusing to people than asexuality, and because of that is less accepted. As if the straights didn’t erase it enough, the LGBTQIA+ community is strong on the aro erasure as well. There is also a significantly less aro rep in comparison to ace rep. Aromanticism also gets lumped in with asexuality all the time, but they are separate experiences and one is not required for the other. Like straight society, some members of the LGBTQIA+ community might not be aware of romantic orientation, or they may not believe aromanticism exists. Fathoming the idea that someone can lack or feel an extremely small amount of attraction, in this case romantic, is hard for some people to grasp for some reason. Which isn’t necessarily for people to understand, but don’t deny it simply because you do not understand it. Aromanticism is just as valid as any other romantic attraction. Likewise, aromantic experiences are valid and shouldn’t be questioned, especially by those who are also not straight.
I want to note here that another sexuality that can relate to these comments is bisexuality. The bi erasure and aspec erasure is a similar path, and because of this many bi and ace people end up relating to one another. Aspecs see and understand you, bisexuals. We appreciate you!
The agender experience is even more difficult for others to understand. And while the agender experience includes a lot of the same overlapping aphobic comments, it also has its unique challenges as it applies to gender rather than sexual or romantic orientation. Attraction, or lack thereof, is a more acceptable thing to people in general than gender identity. A romantic or sexual identity is something that is more accepted because it can apply to anyone of any gender identity, but questioning the gender identity is, I guess, too far? There’s been a rise of gender discussion in straight society as of late, but gender acceptance has been a struggle in the LGBTQIA+ community as well. Personally, people should mind their business and respect people’s pronouns as it is not difficult to use different pronouns in a sentence. Agender people lack a gender, so the combination of acceptable pronouns to use will depend on the person. The reason pronouns are so important is because they represent the identity and presence of the person. And for LGBTQIA+ community members, a common goal is to be treated like people, just like everyone else. So why do community members attack people like agender people? Because even other LGBTQIA+ people have their narrow minded views, and it is commonly seen in terms of gender identities. Whether it’s the debate of who they’ll be in a relationship with or some ignorant comment about who looks like what or what is considered real or not, some of the most despicable things you’ll ever hear about gender comes from us. Which is disappointing because, as I’ve probably said a bunch, we should be supportive of one another. If we want our identities respected, then we should be respectful of others identities. Disrespecting someone’s identity is like treating them as if they aren’t human. No one deserves to be treated as less than a person (unless you're a rapist or a pedophile).
Another point made on the Sounds Fake But OK Podcast was “being gay is more acceptable and/or understandable.” This adds to what makes the aspec experience more difficult. Having some sort of sexual or romantic attraction is more acceptable than not having any, or having a very small amount, because it’s so far of a grasp for people to understand. And the thing is, you don’t even have to understand! Just be accepting of people for what they want to identify as. Accept that there can be something different from your own experience. But, for some odd reason, any experience that breaks out of the box of the norm for someone is so difficult to grasp that they have to shun it for being different. Going back to the “competition of trauma,” isn’t it odd that the more acceptable form of sexuality is somehow “more traumatized” than the “sexuality that doesn’t exist?” The denial of someone’s existence as a whole is arguably more harmful because while being homophobic is disgusting, it at least acknowledges their presence. Being erased or undermined causes more confusion and panic for aspecs, who already suffer from that enough. Being gay or lesbian is generally more accepted because it was “around longer,” so there was more time for people (especially older generations) to learn and get “comfortable” with it. Some of these things are in quotes because aspec identities were around for a long time as well, just not talked about or kept “in the closet” by those aspecs. Why? Because it was not acceptable back then and being gay or lesbian was more acceptable. Bottom line, aspecs don’t fight and argue that LGBTQ+ allosexual identities don’t exist, so they shouldn’t treat aspecs like we don’t exist.
Another amazing point mentioned on the Sounds Fake But OK podcast was ‘white queer men “get the say on who’s queer enough” or “who belongs in the community.”’ I was literally screaming when I heard this because it is so true! Why is it that most of the time the only queer voices we hear from, especially on what is “acceptable,” is coming from a white queer man? Unfortunately, our society still has it in their heads that the most trusted voices on what goes comes from white men. This has been damaging to society as a whole, but has been especially harmful to us as LGBTQIA+ people. Well if you didn’t already know, white male queers aren’t the only ones that exist. While queer voices are important to be heard, we need to share the platform with all queer voices, especially those who are women and people of color. There are so many amazing queer voices of color out there that are doing amazing things and want genuine equality for all and bring so much to the table, and it is infuriating that they don’t get the spotlight because a white man’s voice has to talk over them. Aspec voices are especially hushed because of the deniers of asexuality, aromanticism, and agender. There are some amazing Aspec voices out there (which will be highlighted in a future post about Aspec Rep) that deserve time in the spotlight with other queer voices. It is commonly said how “there isn’t enough of this” and “isn’t enough of that” but it is important to mention so those voices can be heard. If there isn’t enough room under the spotlight, make the spotlight bigger.
If you have any thoughts to add, agree or disagree, or have any questions to ask, please reach out to me through social media or email.
Thank you for reading and stay true to yourself!