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Hello all! This week I wanted to talk about Aphobia. This subject gets me very heated, however I’m going to do my best to stay professional. I also want to note that I’m going to do a follow-up post talking about Aphobia in the LGBTQIA+ community. I want to give a trigger warning here as I will be mentioning some of my personal experiences with Aphobia.
An unfortunate part about being Aspec is the discrimination. Although Aspec identities are considered “invisible,” no one is ever fully invisible. Aspecs deserve visibility and to feel safe doing so. In cishet society, this can be a hard thing to do. We have the privilege of not standing out for our aspec identities, but that changes if the cishet people know you are aspec. The assumptions that are made by cishet people can be damaging. I can’t express enough that whatever opinions they have don't take away our aspec identity. This doesn’t mean that your feelings of hurt aren’t valid, because every feeling you have when under the scrutiny of cishet society are valid. I want to emphasize that these opinions and thinking don’t decide who we are as people and how we should live our lives. No matter what anyone says, your gender identity, romantic identity, and sexual identity are all valid.
A statement that I don’t feel I should make if you are secure in yourself as a person, but I’m going to make anyway is that when I’m talking about “cishet” people, I understand it’s not all of them. I know plenty of cishet people who are very understanding and are some of my biggest advocates. But I am clearly addressing those who are ignorant in their beliefs and are blatantly homophobic, aphobic, transphobic, racist, just plain ignorant. Hate only taints and ruins life around it, and doesn’t deserve a space in social media, current events, or towards any person for who they are. Life is too short to continue the hatred and bigotry, and yet people have nothing to do with their time but spend it being hateful. That’s a privilege in itself, having nothing to do but wake up and choose to be hateful either in person or online. That being said, make yourself less miserable by being less hateful. If it helps, remember that any one of the people you love could be aspec and if you truly care for them, then you will accept them for who they are.
The reason that cishet people are judgemental towards us is because they are afraid of things that are different then their norm. They can’t grasp the concept that there are people that don’t have the same needs, live the same lifestyle, and share the same desires. I find that those cishet people that are opposed to being understanding lack empathy. They can’t fathom being a person who doesn’t feel attraction towards sex or romance, or don’t feel they have a gender. Their small window in a dark cellar can’t let in the light that being aspec has to offer. They assume that anything that isn’t “normal” is inherently wrong, however their “normal” isn’t our normal. Understanding the perspective of another person, in this case their understanding of being aspec, is the key to acceptance and support. But to find someone willing to step outside of their box and begin to truly understand the world around them is a tall order. Sexuality is hard for people to understand if they aren’t understanding of other people and only themselves. It isn’t impossible for people to change, but it does take compassion. Kudos to those who decided to learn and be accepting. Any small progress is progress, although society has a long way to go.
There are a few ways that cishet people can be aphobic, whether it be open denial of the aspec identity, or in the form of microaggressions. Some of the most common microaggressions against lgbtqia+ people as a whole is “everything is so confusing” or “I don’t want to see people’s business everywhere” or “that’s just a phase you’ll grow out of.” This being said, as if straight culture isn’t shoved down our throats since birth. Children are forced to wear gendered clothing, people make weird comments like “oh they’re gonna be a ladies man someday” or “oh I bet she has a boyfriend already” about babies or toddlers. Or the fact that every movie and show has to have a sex scene or make out scene. Any cishet saying this is a hypocrite and is choosing to be blind to the media around us 24-7. As for the “just a phase” comment, ask them if their sexuality is also “just a phase” or ask them how they know who they are attracted to, to which they’ll reply with something like “I was born this way” and that’s the key to give them a “right” and stare through their soul.
Some specifically aphobic microaggressions are “you just haven’t met the right person yet,” or “you have to get into a relationship to know for sure” or “you’re just picky” or “that’s just for plants.” If someone gives you the plant comment, walk away immediately because they don’t deserve your time. As for meeting the “right person,” what does that even really mean? The interesting part about that statement is that often times, straight people may not even meet the “right person” through sexual relations and break up with the person. The idea of the “right person” being the person you have sex with proves that the people making those comments believe that sex is what defines a relationship. People are people, not objects. And by saying and affirming all the time that sex is vital to a healthy relationship is both aphobic and toxic. Following that, “being in a relationship to know for sure” is similarly toxic for the same reason. This pushes the assumption that aspecs have to be in a relationship to validate their identity, which is so untrue. Did straight people discover their identity by jumping into a relationship? I guarantee if you ask a straight person this question, they will say no and that “they were born this way.” Wow it’s almost like, you can also be born with another identity other than straight… oh but they aren’t ready to connect those dots yet for the sake of being judgemental towards something they “don’t understand.” But members of the LGBTQIA+ community have to be understanding of straight people when they don’t want to understand us? Make it make sense. As far as being “too picky,” even if this was actually true (which for aspec people, most of the time they really just don’t want a relationship (sexual or romantic) and this should just be ok), why is this a bad thing? Shouldn’t you be careful about who you try to be in a relationship with and really look for someone who they are compatible with? No one should just instinctively jump into a relationship without looking out for your best interests. That could cause harm to yourself and the other person or people involved. If you do, then that’s fine but don’t put that expectation on other people as they are their own individuals. Bottom line, if you don’t have a positive thing to say to an aspec person, keep it to yourself. At the very least, try to put yourself in their shoes and be understanding of what it would be like to be on the receiving end of it.
I’ve mostly been talking about aphobia towards asexuals and aromantics and those that fall under the umbrella of those identities, however I want to mention that agender people as aspecs also are at the receiving end of aphobia. Although I haven’t heard anything directly, I’m sure that many agender people receive comments such as “you’re making it up” or “maybe you’re just confused” or “that’s too complicated, can I just call you [someone that they don’t want to be called]?” You know what’s really confusing? We all know it’s not made up, but if they really don’t want to try and understand that there are more agender people out there besides yourself and that you somehow “made it up,” you can politely inform them that one of the first agender people was born in 1715 (Public Universal Friend, see article below), and was first used on the internet in 2000 where there are now thousands of agender people that have a platform. How a narrative is pushed onto every individual as far as gender as soon as they are born. They always push how babies are their own individuals, and yet they force the heteronormative agenda on them before they even leave the womb. And if people are opting out of calling you what you identify as, they are disrespecting your existence and don’t deserve a place in your life. This can be difficult if its family, unless you don’t have a problem cutting off family then go for it. I think a fun game would be misgendering your aphobic family members and seeing how they like it. Idk, I think it would be funny. And if they get up in arms about it, that’s your time to be like “yeah, that’s how I feel when you do it to me.” Or idk, threaten to call CPS that might be fun. In all seriousness, I’m sorry for any aphobia you have to deal with and I’m wishing that they open their eyes and give you the respect you deserve.
See this article about one of the first agender people: https://nonbinary.miraheze.org/wiki/Public_Universal_Friend
I’ve had my personal experience with aphobia, as I’m sure many of you have. And if you haven’t, that is great and I hope you don’t have to experience it at all. My experiences range from interrogation about what the terms mean (which every aspec will have to face at some point, unfortunately), to people trying to force me to go on dates or “talk” to people (trying to start a relationship), to hearing absolute vile things about being in a relationship with an aspec person. Literally, the person (keeping anonymous) said that being in a relationship with an asexual person was “a waste of time” and “not considered a real relationship” and that someone shouldn’t feel bad for cheating on them because “it doesn’t count.” Of course I felt uncomfortable and unsafe to speak up because I know the person and arguments don’t typically go well because they don’t like hearing out the perspective of the other person. It didn’t stop this incident from making me feel like less than a human being. So, would a relationship with me be “a waste of time” and would it be ok if they cheated on me because I “don’t count?” This narrative is insinuating that relationships derive from sex and romance, however these are only small fractions that make up a relationship. But cishet people can’t grasp that because they can’t go without thinking about making out and having sex with people. It shows how little they consider understanding the person they’re with, their interests, their emotions, their personality, anything that makes them human. They simply would look at the other person as an object for pleasure. If you know anyone that actively thinks like this, and you are able, separate yourself from them as soon as you can as they are a danger to your well-being in all capacity.
Unfortunately, I think we’re a long way from being accepted by cishet society, as they can’t even accept other LGTBQIA+ community members. But we are here and deserve the absolute best, whatever that may look like for each individual. In case no one has told you, I love and support you as the person you are and will always be here for you. I genuinely mean that, if you need any type of support or just need someone to talk to, DM me or send me an email and I’ll respond to you as soon as I can. We as aspecs deserve a safe and loving place to exist as we are.
If you have any thoughts to add, agree or disagree, or have any questions to ask, please reach out to me through social media or email.
Thank you for reading and stay true to yourself!